How To Make Friends Without Having To Influence Them

How To Make Friends Without Having To Influence Them

How to Win Friends and Influence People is a best-selling book on social skill improvement. It’s sold millions of copies.

But after reading the reviews on the book, I realized there were critical components of good advice on making friends missing.

  • Short-term manipulative, disingenuous tactics are used that can destroy your long term success and local reputation.
  • Some of the tips are focused on business and networking rather than actually making friends.
  • Women get harassed because the tips to smile and be nice get misinterpreted as a sexual advance.
  • Pretending to be interested can end up with you having to tolerate listening to someone for a long time that bores you.

I wanted to address these issues and give some advice on how to fix them. My advice is based on what I have learned from observation and/or questioning people who seem to naturally be able to make a lot of high quality friends.

I think most people are unaware of all the great benefits of creating an established network of healthy, supporting people. Many are also unaware of that social skills are an acquired skill and there are subtleties to it that you are not doing it.

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Views – 46

How To Develop Persistence: Tactics To Never Give Up

How To Develop Persistence: Tactics To Never Give Up

Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine. -Jack Ma, founder of Alibaba

If you’ve been studying successful people for any decent length of time, you know how important never giving up is. Life is long and you never know what may turn in your favor over that time. But how do you develop persistence when you fail at staying consistent at most things in life?

What if you fail at not giving up when it comes to simple things, like maintaining a healthy diet, avoiding fast food, and always exercising?

Well, I used to be a quitter. But now I have maintained a very consistent exercise routine, meditation routine, and I have uploaded 1,000 YouTube videos on my channel without quitting. I’ll explain how you can do the same with science.

Listen now:

Like this episode? Please subscribe and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It helps me reach more people.
This scene in a Slyvestor Stallone film really spoke to me when I was going through a tough time:

Further Recommended Reading on Persistence:

Note: the links to books will take you to Amazon. If you buy, I will get a commission at no extra cost to you.

Question of the day: What’s the #1 lesson you learned from this podcast episode? 

Views – 157

How Dancing Taught Me How To Take The Lead In A Relationship As A Man

12 Ways Partner Dancing Taught Me How To Take The Lead In Relationships And Be A Man

I started going to drop-in dance classes to meet people and improve on the masculine traits I was lacking. I heard it was a good way to learn how to lead and be more assertive, which I lacked as a typical nice guy. But man, I learned so much more.

Fast forward a couple years, I have now done several classes of Salsa, Bachata, Tango, Ballroom, Cha Cha, Country Line Dancing, Swing, and Lindy Hop.

Here are some lessons I learned in being a man from these partner dances:

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Views – 191

always stay positive no matter what

10 Ways To Stay Positive No Matter What Negative Bullshit Comes Your Way

We aren’t perfect. We want to stay upbeat and positive all the time because it feels better, we feel better, and it helps us get more done and attract awesome people into our lives. But it’s hard. Life rocks us with tough times and negative people.

So how do you stay positive when your life isn’t going well or life events bring you down?

This has been a problem I have experimented with for years. I poured over the scientific literature, studied interviews and books of celebrities that always seemed upbeat (like Will Smith, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, and Michael Strahan) and asked every person who was always beaming with positivity for advice.

I hold this problem deep in my heart because I was unhappy for a long stretch of time and naturally someone who dwells on negative events.

Why Does Positivity Matter?

Don’t take it from me; listen to one of the most famous, successful billionaires out there, Richard Branson. He wrote a blog post on why positivity is so important. Long story short, positivity can spread to others. It can make you and your team more productive and happy while making work more enjoyable.

Moreover, consider the downsides of negativity. I used to be a naturally negative person before I got into self help and I didn’t even realize it. Negative thinking can spiral downwards into depression, anxiety, lack of will to do anything, lack of energy, frustration, anger, resentment, frustration, jealousy, and/or a greater willingness to give up.

Here is what I found works:

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Views – 264

Why social intelligence is important

Why Social Intelligence Is Important

“Social intelligence was therefore always at a high premium. A sharp sense of empathy can make a huge difference, and with it in an ability to manipulate, to gain cooperation, and to deceive.”
― Edward O. Wilson, The Social Conquest of Earth

I’ve been a nerd for most of my life. I only cared about grades in school because I thought that was all that mattered.

But I was completely wrong.

As I grew older, poor social skills lead to bad results in other areas of my life. I had few friends. I barely talked in social gatherings. My dating life didn’t exist. Job interviews usually ended with no offer. Communicating with people I worked with wasn’t effective or natural. You get the point.

As I started trying to improve, I studied the world’s most successful, wealthy people. I realized that they were also very emotionally and socially intelligent too. I also found, through books like Outliers and Emotion Intelligence, that studies tracking thousands of people found that people with high IQs often still failed at life.

There were plenty of people who didn’t follow the standard correlation we assume between high IQ and life success. There were many more factors involved in success, once of which is social intelligence.

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Views – 122

luck vs hard work debate

The Luck Vs. Hard Work Debate: What Matters Most In Life Success

What matters in life in order to success? The standard debate goes something like this, “What bring success in life: luck vs hard work?”

But that’s the wrong approach. Both are at play. It is not one or the other. Also, there are more factors you can leverage to succeed.

Today, I cover the following topics:

  • How luck plays a role in someone’s success.
  • How hard work is a lot more valuable than you think.
  • Keys to motivating yourself and having a strong work ethic.
  • What matters more: luck, hard work and effort, or other factors (I’ll explain what these other factors are).
  • Does luck play an important role in life success? (Hint: It depends. Are you aiming to be #1 in the world or just to earn a good living?)

You should trust my advice on the luck versus hard work debate because I reference proof and case studies from successful people like Warren Buffett and Bill Gates.

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Views – 3080

How To Overcome Shyness and Social Anxiety While Still Being Your Natural Self

How To Overcome Shyness and Social Anxiety While Still Being Your Natural Self

Imagine finding yourself in the only social event you will go to for the day, ready to talk to people. You’ve prepared yourself for the moment. You know you’re deathly shy and scared of talking to new people. But if you don’t take action in this one moment, you will regret it. There won’t be many more chances to make new friends or meet a hot date.

But despite your preparations, you freeze up when it’s time. You find yourself doing anything except talking to other people. Then, the event is over.

You are kicking yourself in your head and you dwell on the fact that you did nothing for the next hour … or even the entire week.

I’ve been there. I’ve had crippling shyness. It sucks. It still sucks. But you are not alone. There are hordes of perfectly kind, mentally healthy people who are just too shy to do meet others. To this day, I still run into people (even successful, attractive young women) who struggle with these issues and fail to reach their potential.

I’m going to show you a path you can take to overcome shyness and social anxiety and achieve the friendships and relationships you have always wanted. Sound too good to be true? I understand. With such a sweet deal, you have to do something in exchange. And that is to be patient and consistently work through the process. It will take time.

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Views – 284

How To Stop Overthinking (And Everything That Comes With It: Self-Doubt, Self-Loathing, Internal Misery, and Zero Action

I got a question:

“I’m driving myself to insanity with over-thinking, self-analysis, self-doubt, self-loathing, internal misery and zero action. What do I do?”

Well, you’re talking to the king of overthinking. I’m definitely in the top 1% of overthinking and over-analyzing everything (I mean just look at this blog).

I didn’t think I was that bad until I started journaling all the thoughts I remembered happening after dates or stressful situations. I ended up with essays that were multiple pages long analyzing every issue. These thoughts included:

“If I say this, will I look weird?”

“They’re judging me because I’m one of the only Asians here.”

“Do I look weird or awkward? Why aren’t they talking to me? Do they hate me?”

When I showed it to people I trust, they were blown away by how much I thought. For some guys, all they think about during a single date is “This is going well.”

Yet I’ve been able to see noticeable progress by experimenting with a lot of tactics, including meditation, which has dramatically helped me stay present in the moment.

Listen to this new podcast episode for a full answer:

Subscribe to my podcast on iTunes and leave a review here. It helps me get noticed and I really appreciate it.

Consult Others You Trust

Passing my essay to a group of men I trust online (this can be an online forum but preferably someone in person — I recommend the Order of Man Facebook group) helps give realistic feedback. When you’re in your own delusional world, you can’t tell what you’re doing wrong.

For me, these men identified the overthinking as a prime issue when I had it far down my list as a potential problem.

One of them told me that their only thoughts during a date where “She was pretty. It went well.” That really put into perspective a mentally healthier benchmark to aim for.

Meditation

Meditation isn’t for anyone and it takes a lot of time to ramp up. But it helps. It really helps identify how many thoughts the average person has through their day and how tough it is to just be present and enjoy the moment. I started with just two minutes a day so I didn’t burn out but now, I love and appreciate it. It’s been a year since I started.

I recommend Insight Timer App. It has thousands of guided meditations of many categories from some of the top meditation leaders, all for free – no upsells or hidden app purchases.

Views – 247

Depressed, Disabled, Lonely, Abused, and No Friends. What Do I Do? (Updated)

I got a question from a mother who is going through tough times on multiple fronts. If you join my email newsletter (there’s plenty of places to sign up, such as at the bottom of this article), you can reply to an email with your question, and I will try to help you.

As the title of this article hints, she’s failing at most areas of life. Let’s call her Dana (not her real name)

I don’t tend to address issues like this because it attracts people I can’t help (even if I want to). My content is focused more on high achievers who can execute. But this time, I was compelled to answer (and post this with her permission) because it was so emotional, genuine, and almost everything I’ve released online started because I was like this women and wanted to learn how to get better. I want to add some value here, even if my tips won’t solve everything.

I’ve posted a shortened version of Dana’s question and my answer to help anyone going through something similar:

Hi Will,
I’m 55 years old and a single mom of 3.

I have been divorced for just over 11 years. My oldest son has Aspergers. So this had kept me home for a good portion of his upbringing. He is now 21.

When I was younger.. and I mean in my 20’s, I was confident, assertive. Happy go lucky. I was a pursuer (head flight attendant on international flights for a prominent airline), I could make decisions quickly, without a second thought, no second guessing. And I never doubted myself. I always knew what I needed to do or wanted to do. No matter what it was in regards to. My life, health wise, relationship wise, financial, family, ect.

I grew up pretty much alone. Living on my own since I was 16. I married at 28. My ex-husband was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive. This was the initial decent into depression for me.

I lost all my friends because I was not allowed to see anyone, in a round about way. We only hung out with his friends, or family.

So after a time, my friends stopped coming around.

Anyways, after years of emotional abuse, and becoming permanently disabled myself at 40, I divorced him.

I was so happy to be away from him. Having taken my kids away, to a happier place. It was a fresh start.
But I started to realize I had no friends, most my family was in other areas of the country. And since I was disabled and with no money, well.. it started to take its toll.

I am unable to work outside the home, so I didn’t have as much opportunity to meet people for friends or romantic relationships.

After one severely failed relationship, my depression started to spiral even more so. It’s hard to always be alone. And no matter how positive you try to be, when no one wants to be in a relationship with you because they are older and do not want younger children, especially someone else’s or they want a newer model (what I call younger women) and most women my age (for friendship) are too busy with their own crap.

So not only am I depressed, I have no one to talk to, I have lost all my friends, and I have no one in my life relationship wise, and the way I see myself and life has changed dramatically.

I am no longer the positive, quick thinking, know what I need to do person that I use to be.
Half the time, I cant figure out what to wear every day. Or what to make for dinner.

My kids don’t talk to me, and have little or no respect for me.

So Will, if you can write an article about taking a person from the dumps and building them up to at least feeling some semblance of happiness and confidence again, I would very much appreciate it because I honestly don’t know where to start.

My Response and Advice:

Thanks for the heartfelt message.

Wow. I’m no miracle worker and this seems to be a really tough situation.But I can try my best to help guide you towards the right path.
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Views – 407