I initially didn’t want to talk about this topic since it tends to attract some negativity, but I wouldn’t be doing justice ignoring this phenomenon given that it is noticeable in the Asian male community and my blog is serving this audience.
When it comes to AMWF (Asian Man White Female) couples, there’s obviously the cultural barrier. Sometimes, it’s the social dynamic itself. More usually, it’s when the parents get involved given that American-born Asians are quite Americanized.
For some couples, it’s smooth sailing until it gets serious and the culture difference is too big. For others, they make it work anyways.
Often, this pairing is seen as a fetish for some and a normal relationship with a label for others.
Some Asian American men have admitted that dating a white female was a trophy wife situation or moment when they could show off that they’re dating this race.
AJ Rafael is a musician, YouTuber, and friend of Tori Kelly. I saw a video interview he did at a Asian mini-convention he appeared about and that’s how he described dating his first white girl. I believe he went on to say that dating shouldn’t be just to show off what race you’re dating.
Wong Fu Productions briefly touched on these social issues beautifully in their skit, Yellow Fever 2:
- Asian men complaining that only Asian women get fetishized but then don’t want to be fetishized for just being Asian by certain people.
- Asian men also fetishizing white women just because they’re white.
- Asian men complaining about not being equally considered by white women, but truly only trying to date them to prove and measure their masculinity rather than being about if they have similar lifestyles, humor, and taste.
My point was not to make this article into some equality or social issue debate, but to keep it towards self-development and improving yourself, like my other content.
You’re doing yourself a disservice if you’re only or mainly trying to date a women because dating their race is an accomplishment to show off. That’s because like any other superficial metric, it ultimately rings hollow and you feel empty as that’s not the substance that makes a true, healthy relationship.
Kevin Kreider, Korean-American adoptee, bodybuilding champion, fitness trainer, model, speaker, and life coach, revealed how he learned this the hard way in his TedX talk. He dated white women because he wanted that status and acceptance he never got as an Asian from that race and because this ethnicity was seen as a higher echelon he couldn’t reach. Later on, he started dating women of all ethnicities, including Asians. He stopped running away from his ethnicity and learned to love himself.
A common stigma by the Asian American male community across the nation is that they believe that they’re at the bottom of the dating hierarchy and Caucasian women are at the top. Kevin Kreider saw this first hand with the demand in the modeling industry but is it true?
Top YouTubers, like Timothydelaghetto and KevJumba, have independently made videos imploring Asian American men to stop being cowards, stop assuming and step up. KevJumba went so far as to say that he’s never heard a white female ever say that Asian men are at the bottom of the hierarchy and that we’re limiting ourselves in our own head.
Likely, the answers somewhere in the middle. Many people of different races have come out and mentioned that there is less of an Asian masculine presence in Hollywood films, which ripples down to how attractive they’re perceived. Even if it isn’t explicitly stated, perhaps there is an unspoken disinterest. This lady admits it in her blog.
My main point is that you can waste your life debating these theories in your head or online and get nothing out of it. So don’t. I learned this the hard way.
Obviously, people are going to prefer those who have similar cultures, tastes, and hobbies. Just do whatever you can to make the best of your situation and get the best results in the long run. Complaints, excuses, and resentment are a waste of life and a limiter to your potential and behavior.
I sometimes need to just snap out of the negativity in my head and from anonymous online users and take a look at reality so see clearly again. While it can seem so bad on the Internet, I just have to look around.
In my freshman year of college, I had two AMWF couples on the floor above me. One included a nerdy, overweight, but positive Asian guy with a blonde girlfriend and the other included a lean, more athletic, well-dressed Asian with a dark-haired girlfriend. Both Asian Americans. Both with healthy relationships.
Even then, I caught myself once or twice thinking, “This doesn’t happen.” But then, I would look at the floor above me and it’d be like, “Oh yeah. It does.”
If your reaction is that there are less of them — blah, blah, blah, remember what I just said?
Another stereotype you see is that most white women who like Asian men are niche, culturally-different, and aren’t a normal American. Think cosplayers, anime lovers, and nerds. Joe Rogan even went on a rant on his podcast about this a couple years ago, theorizing that usually, when it happens “they’re both a little off” and speculating on why we’ve lost our masculinity and appeal from the days of the great Ghenghis Khan.
If you scroll through the #AMWF and similar hashtags on Instagram (a huge source to find real couples), you’ll see that this may generally be the case.
Of course, with stereotypes, they’re generalizations and there are exceptions. Holly King isn’t considered weird. She’s a Playboy Playmate who had normal relationships with other white men before she stumbled across KPop bands and got turned onto just Asians.
But then, that doesn’t truly convince you that it’s possible to have a normal relationship right. A rarity is hard to come by? Plus, Holly has gotten really into the cosplay convention and expo scene, a popular destination for Asian Americans, if you check her Instagram.
The last big complaint I see is that even it’s hard to find Asian American women who will date you because you’re competing with white and black men, who usually do better.
Hey, I get it. It’s tough. At my core, I’m just a guy who wants to be treated equally by every race. I want to be given a decent chance, like other men, to be seen as attractive by females of all ethnicities. I know how hard it is to bite your tongue and get rid of negative thoughts, complaints of how unfair it is, and resentment. You’re giving other ethnicities a chance, so why don’t they, right?
No more toxicity or bitterness. No more expectations about what we deserve.
Greater obstacles have been overcome by people. We’ve figured out how to travel to the moon, 238,900 miles away, for goodness sake. We’ve invented cars, the atomic bomb, search engines, and now artificial intelligence. People have made it through the Holocaust. Thomas Edison went through 10,000 attempts before he invented the light bulb. If they can do that, we can do this.
And if you’re obsessing over dating a woman because of her ethnicity above all else, including beauty, intelligence, trust, kindness, and respect, that’s a red flag. Ask yourself why. Is it to prove something to yourself or others? Is that a mentally healthy and beneficial achievement for you and your relationship in the short- and long-run? Does anyone actually care?
If you look at the Asian American men who successfully have a white girlfriend on social, most of them have healthy relationships where they care much more about factors other than skin color.
Become our best selves. Put our best foot forward, one step at a time. Question assumptions. Live your life true to yourself in a way you enjoy, free of seeking validation from others.
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