“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe” ― Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
There are just as many shy introverts as outgoing extroverts out there. So why does it seem like we’re being left out? Why does it feel like we’re not getting as far ahead? Why do we feel frustrated as if we should speak more or be more like the extroverts?
It’s clear that Western society honors the man who pushes his way to the front. But what about the rest of us? Even people who claim to be “extroverted introverts” can still feel like they weren’t dealt the best hand in life.
In this podcast episode, I’m going to share with you what I learned about succeeding as a shy introvert from:
reading all the top books on introversion including Quiet: The Power of Introversion and Introversion Power
going through scientific studies comparing introverts to extroverts
applying the tips I learned in the books and online in real life to see if it works (hint: it sometimes doesn’t)
sharing strategies I’ve come up with on my own when theories consistently didn’t work in the real world
You’ll also learn why so many Asian Americans are introverts (spoilers: it’s a mix of culture, upbringing, and who they grow up with).
Question of the day: What’s the #1 action step you learned from the podcast that you will apply to your own life immediately? Leave a comment and let me know.
A new fad has been sweeping through the personal development movement.
Journaling. But is it just a useless fad seen as the next “magic pill” to success or is it legit?
There are even popular journals you can buy include the Five-Minute Journal, Mastery Journal, Freedom Journal, Morning Pages, and Miracle Morning (though this is more of a routine) as made famous by Alex and Mimi Ikonn, John Lee Dumas, Tim Ferriss, and Hal Elrod.
But there’s a huge problem with the current state of daily journals out in the market.
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is one of the only books that exist on how to make friends. And it’s wildly successful, selling millions of copies.
But after reading the book and the reviews, I realized there were critical components on how to make friends that were missing. People complained about the following in the book:
Short-term manipulative tactics are used that can destroy your long term success with making friends.
Some of the tips are focused on ways of getting people to like you for business and networking, which is different from making friends because you’re encouraged to be someone other than your true self.
The tips to smile more, be nice, and be interested fail to account for the female gender. When women do this, it can be misinterpreted as a sexual advance and encourage harassment.
Pretending to be interested in something you’re not and being too agreeable can cause you to end up with friends you don’t really want and you don’t actually connect with because you’re lying about your interests, overlooking their glaring faults, or befriending selfish people who drain your energy.
A lot of the advice is generic or repetitive and focused on common sense tactics to be a decent, average person.
I want to address these issues and give some advice on how to actually make friends without having to put on a fake persona or manipulate. My advice is based on what I have learned from my own experiments and/or asking people who seem to naturally good at making a lot of high quality friends.
I think most people are unaware of all the great benefits of creating an established network of healthy, supporting friends. Many are also unaware that social skills are an acquired skill that almost everyone can develop with practice.
This topic means a lot for me because I struggled immensely to make friends growing up. I even sat alone at the cafeteria often in school.
I believe you can make quality friends that have similar values and hobbies — who will support you — who you will be a lot of fun to hang around even if you’re starting from scratch. It won’t be easy but you can do it. And I’m going to teach you how to do it without having to manipulate, lie, or influence others.
I started going to drop-in dance classes to meet people and improve on the masculine traits I was lacking. I heard it was a good way to learn how to lead and be more assertive, which I lacked as a typical nice guy. But man, I learned so much more.
Fast forward a couple years, I have now done several classes of Salsa, Bachata, Tango, Ballroom, Cha Cha, Country Line Dancing, Swing, and Lindy Hop.
Here are some lessons I learned in being a man from these partner dances:
“Social intelligence was therefore always at a high premium. A sharp sense of empathy can make a huge difference, and with it in an ability to manipulate, to gain cooperation, and to deceive.” ― Edward O. Wilson, The Social Conquest of Earth
I’ve been a nerd for most of my life. I only cared about grades in school because I thought that was all that mattered.
But I was completely wrong.
As I grew older, poor social skills lead to bad results in other areas of my life. I had few friends. I barely talked in social gatherings. My dating life didn’t exist. Job interviews usually ended with no offer. Communicating with people I worked with wasn’t effective or natural. You get the point.
As I started trying to improve, I studied the world’s most successful, wealthy people. I realized that they were also very emotionally and socially intelligent too. I also found, through books like Outliers and Emotion Intelligence, that studies tracking thousands of people found that people with high IQs often still failed at life.
There were plenty of people who didn’t follow the standard correlation we assume between high IQ and life success. There were many more factors involved in success, once of which is social intelligence.
Imagine finding yourself in the only social event you will go to for the day, ready to talk to people. You’ve prepared yourself for the moment. You know you’re deathly shy and scared of talking to new people. But if you don’t take action in this one moment, you will regret it. There won’t be many more chances to make new friends or meet a hot date.
But despite your preparations, you freeze up when it’s time. You find yourself doing anything except talking to other people. Then, the event is over.
You are kicking yourself in your head and you dwell on the fact that you did nothing for the next hour … or even the entire week.
I’ve been there. I’ve had crippling shyness. It sucks. It still sucks. But you are not alone. There are hordes of perfectly kind, mentally healthy people who are just too shy to do meet others. To this day, I still run into people (even successful, attractive young women) who struggle with these issues and fail to reach their potential.
I’m going to show you a path you can take to overcome shyness and social anxiety and achieve the friendships and relationships you have always wanted. Sound too good to be true? I understand. With such a sweet deal, you have to do something in exchange. And that is to be patient and consistently work through the process. It will take time.
When it comes to self help books for men, the books I recommend may not be what you expect. They’re not tactical books on improving your habits or focus. They’re books that dive deeper and focus on the inner psychology that are preventing you from taking action on the tactics you read about it. This may includes books on building the fundamental traits of a healthy man.
We currently live in at an era where many men are frustrated and functioning far from their potential.
We’re angry, frustrated, fearful, or anxious with our situation or lack of results and if we will stay in this plateau forever.
It’s not completely your fault. Society and your upbringing may have failed you. Many of the strong fundamentals of becoming an attractive man, like a coming of age rite of passage, male role models, and exposure the benefits of assertiveness and aggression were eliminated in your upbringing thanks to the modern world.
Because of this, many men lack strong friendships with other men, a spine to stand up for themselves or others, or the ability to effectively behave as a man, which can damage their success in their career, dating life, ability to make male friends, or romantic relationship.
A few books have helped me see what has occurred and how to improve it. You see, I’m a stereotypical nice guy. I’m overly passive, I’m scared of conflict, I dwell on anxiety for too long, I please for approval, and I have done kind things expecting something back.
I’ve learned that false belief systems prevent us from getting the results we want but we cling onto them hoping our results will change. I discovered that our beliefs came from a mixture of possible factors including radical feminism views that demonized male traits like assertiveness or dominance, lack of male role models and friends growing up, having few male teachers, past trauma with interactions with other men, and the rise of cities to replace towns.
This modernization of the world has removed vital parts of what we genetically need to become attractive, functional men in society. Our happiness and social skills could be low because of a lack of a tribe to develop strong, recurring relationships. Our extreme views on assertiveness and expressing sexuality could cause so much shame that we never stand up for ourselves or express romantic interest. Our lack of strong friendships could dramatically cripple our dating lives, emotional intelligence, and mental health.
Watch the video below for the five books that will help change your life as a man:
Note: I am not blaming women for all my problems. I am simply trying to have higher quality relationships with men as friends and women romantically in my life. I want to do that by working on my emotional behaviors (or Nice Guy qualities) that are holding me back from an evolutionary biology perspective.
I added this note as an update because one of my readers asked if knew about the MGTOW, Red Pill, and the Pick Up Artist communities. I’m aware of their existence but that’s about it right now. In his email, I could see a lot of hatred towards women and other men. That’s the exact reason I don’t follow their teachings. Recently, they have all developed extremist and toxic views on the world filled with hatred and deep psychological issues focused on manipulation or blaming others.
Now, I’d like to hear from you. Is there a book I missed that really helped you? Has any piece of advice, influencer, or book impacted your life positively in your journey to become a better man? Let me know in the comments below.
You know the problem with all the “beginners guide to CrossFit” articles on the web? They’re all written by people who never actually experienced Crossfit for an extended period of time.Instead, they’re telling you what it’s like based on a handful of visits, hearsay, their own opinions, interviewing a trainer (or salesman), myths, superstitions, and false assumptions.
It’s been over a year since I started doing CrossFit. During that time, I went on four or five times a week to one of their classes (they call them WODs, work-outs-of-the-day). I want to profile my review of CrossFit so far, and for once, you’re going to hear it from someone who is naturally pretty skeptical and hasn’t “drank the Koolaid.” There are definitely some myths that need to be shattered.
I want to share with you the truth about CrossFit from someone who has actually been through it, show you my results, and give you my review.
What is CrossFit?
CrossFit is a training program that focuses on increasing your general athletic fitness across numerous cross-training areas, including cardiovascular, stamina, strength, flexibility, speed, agility and so on.
It started by focusing on training police and military. Since then, it has branched out to train everyone, including the average middle-aged mother.
In simple terms, it is cross fitness training. Your goal is to become healthy and fit across numerous areas. Think decathlon versus sprinting.
You’re more of a generalist than a specialist. You may not lift the most weight in a specific lift or run the farthest or fastest in another. But on average across all these metrics, you score higher than most others. And technically, you can be a specialist at CrossFit by competing in the Crossfit Games, which throws a wide variety of tests each year to test you in all these areas.
A few years ago, I discovered the world of online dating advice. At the time, I felt like I had discovered a super power. Until that point, I thought that your success with women was fixed and there was nothing you could do about it. Finding out there were techniques I could use immediately to improve was like discovering the holy grail.
Unfortunately, these tactics and “blueprints” were horrible. They were inaccurate and produced few results. Dating coaches and pick up artists claimed to have found the “science of attraction” but it was a pseudoscience at best. They really just shot at the dark and taught what worked. It was far from a rigorous scientific process.
Now, that has changed. In the last two decades, tons of new experiments have been done by actual scientists on attraction. There is a lot more data you can trust and the results can be counter-intuitive. This is the men’s dating guide I wish I received years ago. And it’s all here for you for free.
The lessons I learned and will share come from a book called Mate: Become the Man Women Want. The book is based on extensive research on into evolutionary biology and mating. A man who is really good with women (Tucker Max) partnered up with a Ph.D. to go through thousands of shocking studies.
Humans are lucky creatures because there are so many areas (behavioral, social, fitness, mental health, fashion, etc.) we can improve. Other animals are screwed with what they were born with (like how long their antlers are).